Quote from AStubbs on April 19, 2021, 7:12 pm

According to Maltz (and I agree), the purpose of sexual healing exercises is to facilitate survivors rebuilding (or perhaps building for the first time) a continuum of touch experiences - with sexual pleasuring coming after the survivor has learned to feel safe and comfortable with touch and then sexual touch.

It is important, when possible, not to assign exercises to clients that you have not completed yourself.

Choose two of the exercises in The Sexual Healing Journey, e.g.: Sensory Basket and Drawing on Body or Safe Nest and Safe Embrace.  (If you don’t have a spouse/romantic partner, there are still several individual exercises you can choose).  Complete both exercises you choose, following the directions given in Maltz.  Write about your experience, pros/cons, difficulty completing, enjoyment, discoveries, or questions.

Quote from creece on April 25, 2021, 4:51 am

Okay, I am going to be very vulnerable here and share my experience with my spouse. 🙂

The first night we practiced two exercises, we started with Drawing on Body.  Something we started doing in church together as a young couple, we would draw letters/words on our hands during church service to see if we could guess a book of the Bible.  Yet, this time around we drew figures on one each other’s backs.  Once again, we had a fun and easy time practicing this exercise.

Second exercise we tried was Hand to Heart, at first there were laughs and then kind words were shared.  I felt very vulnerable during this exchange, we had not realized how long it has been since we’ve looked into each other’s eyes for such a long period of time. This exercise allowed us to relax, become aware of our breathing, and feel an overwhelming sense of connection.

The next night we tried the same two exercises, however, this time around I read the preface to The Sexual Healing Journey, which lends a deeper perspective into the meaning of sexual abuse and how it was experienced by the author. We sat together, highly emotional, and thought about our three children as we reread the statistics of sexual abuse.

Then we began the exercises in the order we practiced last night, first Drawing on the Body and Hand to Heart. Remember, we have done Draw on the Body (hand) for over twenty years, yet this time it was different.  Facing away from my husband and waiting for him to draw a figure on my back, he took longer to than the night before to begin.  I didn’t turn around to ask him why he was taking so long, because I put myself in the shoes of Wendy Maltz.  I thought about how hard the first intimate touch would be, how and if, I could welcome it. Eventually, my husband touched my back, he didn’t draw a figure this time he took his time gently drawing letters, U… R… S… A… F… E.  My heart melted as we held each other for a moment, which in turn allowed us to practice Safe Embrace and talk through “Sexual Vacations.”

After some time, we turned toward one another to practice Hand to Heart.  I put my hand on my spouses’ shoulder, then I moved it to his heart, just like the night before.  As he started to put his hand on my heart, he stopped and asked if I would feel comfortable. We talked about the discomfort someone might feel if the spouse put their hand on heart without permission and decided we would start the exercise over and he would ask me about my level of comfort before shifting from shoulder to heart.

Needless to say, when I talk to clients about these exercises, I will have some knowledge of what they might be facing and experiencing as they take time to practice their exercises.  Another thing I might add to the exercises, would be to plan a relaxing treat (doesn’t have to be food) after each exercise to celebrate touch and intimacy. I also tell my clients to keep an intimacy journal, to write out feelings/thoughts/behaviors they might experience and welcome them to bring that along to session for processing.

Quote from Anna Co on April 28, 2021, 3:55 pm

Since my boyfriend is living abroad I chose these two individual exercises: Sensory Basket and Safe Nest.  When I was reading the instructions for Sensory Basket I was puzzled why Wendy Maltz suggested practicing relaxation to keep calm.  I mean it’s an easy and simple exercise and why does one need to practice relaxation?  To my surprise, when I was doing the exercise I was feeling a bit anxious almost the whole time and I need to intentionally remind myself to focus on the exercise and relax.  I was feeling a bit impatient and wanted the exercise to be over with but I waited for the timer to go off.  

This simple exercise led me to be attuned to my internal self and senses. While doing the exercise, two items brought some good memories associated with it.  The earrings that my best friend gave me and the bracelet from my mom.  This made me realize that some items might cause clients to re-experience trauma or experience negative emotions.   It would be helpful to provide some guidelines and instruct clients on what to do when this happens.  They can use some relaxation techniques during the exercise, journal their experience afterward or stop the exercise when it gets tough and overwhelming.  I wonder if clients can also try this during counseling sessions before trying it on their own.  

Before doing the second exercise (Safe Nest), I anticipated it might be emotionally challenging.  Indeed, it was.  The moment I lay down and started with the exercise, I felt like crying and I allowed myself to cry without knowing why.  I was surprised because I am happy these days.  

What happened next was mind-blowing.  It felt like I was transported back in time.  Scenes of the different stages of my life and the significant thoughts and emotions associated with it starting from toddler up to last year flashed into my mind.  The reason I wanted to cry at the beginning of the exercise was the feeling of grief when my mom left me to my grandmother’s care when I was a toddler.  After letting myself cry for a few minutes, I felt relieved and the next scene flashed when I was 5-6 years old.  I noticed that when I correctly attended and addressed what I needed at those moments I would move to the next scene because I felt seen, heard, and understood.  It was an amazing experience.  The nest provided a feeling of warmth, safety, and comfort and it allowed me to be in tune with my internal self.  I was also able to attend to myself.  The exercise had given me a chance to acknowledge and validate my feelings and it generated peace within me. 

I made some changes to help me stay focused while doing the exercise.  My eyes were closed during the entire exercise.  I found gently rocking myself distracting in attuning with my internal feelings so I stopped it instead I gently and slowly tapped my chest above my heart.  This provided a soothing effect especially when I was feeling anxious.  It also provided a rhythm and helped me attuned to my internal self better.      

I realized that I should be careful when to suggest safe nest to clients. I realized that traumatic memories might get triggered in the process.  Clients should know ways to manage and self-regulate their emotions before suggesting this exercise so they would know what to do in case they re-experience traumatic experiences.  I wonder if setting an alarm might help them come back to the present or they can ask someone to check on them in person or someone calls them on the phone after 30-45minutes as precautionary measures in case flashbacks happened.  

Quote from meaganturner16 on April 28, 2021, 6:18 pm

@creece:

Thank you for sharing your experience with your spouse! That was extremely vulnerable to share, and it was a helpful experience to read. How sweet that you and your husband have been doing some version of one exercise for so long already! The ability of both you and your husband to be able to step back and remember that the exercises will typically be for people who are uncomfortable with or triggered by touch, and then to try to step into their shoes, showed both courage and care for others. Clients may never know how much time and effort has gone in to your ability to hold empathetic and caring space for them, but I am sure your clients will be able to sense it on a deeper level because of these exercises.

Quote from Karissacurt on April 29, 2021, 1:07 am

I agree that, whenever possible, I would like to have done the exercises I assign to clients for sexual healing and retraining, so I was excited to take this opportunity to do two exercises that I could since I am single/not married. I decided to do Safe Nest (p. 260) and Reclaiming Your Body (p. 270).

 

For the Safe Nest exercise, I spent 20 minutes in my comfy reading/lounge chair, as I drank my warm coffee, with my cat sprawled out on my lap acting as my own personal weighted blanket of sorts. I found myself having difficulty being present to this opportunity to rest unless I closed my eyes. I held myself the whole time, and at one point I felt a wave of sadness and shame, and I started crying. I think I realized I don’t believe I’m worthy of this kind of attention and care—even from myself! I felt the presence of my little girl self, who often shows up when I’m feeling shame and fear of not being lovable or worthy of love. Even though I regularly take time to rest, especially in the mornings, this exercise was different because my attention was placed on myself—whereas my attention is usually placed on what I need to get done in the day. I’ve known for a while I’m uncomfortable with attention because of my constant battle with believing my worthiness—and this exercise opened my eyes to realize I am even uncomfortable with tending to myself. Wow. For the sake of my little girl self, I want to work on that.

 

Next, after I got out of the shower, I spent several minutes standing in front of the full-length mirror in my bedroom. I can’t remember the last time I allowed myself to see my full naked body in a mirror; I may have been subconsciously avoiding seeing myself because there are so many things about my body I dislike. But today, I allowed my body to be thoroughly seen in its entirety. What surprised me was that when I looked at my body overall, I thought: “Maybe my body isn’t so bad.” I realized my body looks very similar to the drawings in the books we’ve read—and I’ve thought those bodies were pretty normal. But when I started doing the part of the exercise where I touch and claim the different parts of my body, that’s when the negative judgments came. My arms, my thighs, my butt—these are parts of me I try to ignore. My skin isn’t smooth, and there’s more fat in those areas than I’d prefer. Those parts aren’t good enough. And when I touched my arm and thought of how much and for how long I’ve despised the red dots on my arms, I began to cry. Again, my little girl self showed up because of the shame and resentment I felt. I cried because I don’t want this for her. I would hate to hear my little girl self say these things about her own body because I know she is worth so much more than the minute details about her body she’s insecure about. So I took a step back and looked at my body in full in the mirror again: “My body isn’t so bad,” I thought. “In fact, I think it’s pretty good.”

Quote from Natalie Lassiter on April 29, 2021, 1:22 am

Quote from Karissacurt on April 29, 2021, 1:07 am

I agree that, whenever possible, I would like to have done the exercises I assign to clients for sexual healing and retraining, so I was excited to take this opportunity to do two exercises that I could since I am single/not married. I decided to do Safe Nest (p. 260) and Reclaiming Your Body (p. 270).

 

For the Safe Nest exercise, I spent 20 minutes in my comfy reading/lounge chair, as I drank my warm coffee, with my cat sprawled out on my lap acting as my own personal weighted blanket of sorts. I found myself having difficulty being present to this opportunity to rest unless I closed my eyes. I held myself the whole time, and at one point I felt a wave of sadness and shame, and I started crying. I think I realized I don’t believe I’m worthy of this kind of attention and care—even from myself! I felt the presence of my little girl self, who often shows up when I’m feeling shame and fear of not being lovable or worthy of love. Even though I regularly take time to rest, especially in the mornings, this exercise was different because my attention was placed on myself—whereas my attention is usually placed on what I need to get done in the day. I’ve known for a while I’m uncomfortable with attention because of my constant battle with believing my worthiness—and this exercise opened my eyes to realize I am even uncomfortable with tending to myself. Wow. For the sake of my little girl self, I want to work on that.

 

Next, after I got out of the shower, I spent several minutes standing in front of the full-length mirror in my bedroom. I can’t remember the last time I allowed myself to see my full naked body in a mirror; I may have been subconsciously avoiding seeing myself because there are so many things about my body I dislike. But today, I allowed my body to be thoroughly seen in its entirety. What surprised me was that when I looked at my body overall, I thought: “Maybe my body isn’t so bad.” I realized my body looks very similar to the drawings in the books we’ve read—and I’ve thought those bodies were pretty normal. But when I started doing the part of the exercise where I touch and claim the different parts of my body, that’s when the negative judgments came. My arms, my thighs, my butt—these are parts of me I try to ignore. My skin isn’t smooth, and there’s more fat in those areas than I’d prefer. Those parts aren’t good enough. And when I touched my arm and thought of how much and for how long I’ve despised the red dots on my arms, I began to cry. Again, my little girl self showed up because of the shame and resentment I felt. I cried because I don’t want this for her. I would hate to hear my little girl self say these things about her own body because I know she is worth so much more than the minute details about her body she’s insecure about. So I took a step back and looked at my body in full in the mirror again: “My body isn’t so bad,” I thought. “In fact, I think it’s pretty good.”

Karissa,

Thank you so much for your post and for your vulnerability. I teared up reading your experience with the Reclaiming Your Body exercise. I could relate to the Safe Nest experience you described of feeling unworthy of kind attention and care--I so often only value myself when I think I am being productive, and don't value myself in states of rest because then I'm not "earning" value. The Reclaiming Your Body exercise honestly sounded scary to me--that's a lot of vulnerability and I know I would have a hard time with it. I loved the way your little girl self came into the scenario and helped you to give yourself grace and truth. I think your experience with both of these exercises will give you so much empathy and trust with clients because you will be able to truly validate their fears and their experiences with these exercises! What a gift.

Quote from Karissacurt on April 30, 2021, 4:43 pm

Quote from Anna Co on April 28, 2021, 3:55 pm

Since my boyfriend is living abroad I chose these two individual exercises: Sensory Basket and Safe Nest.  When I was reading the instructions for Sensory Basket I was puzzled why Wendy Maltz suggested practicing relaxation to keep calm.  I mean it’s an easy and simple exercise and why does one need to practice relaxation?  To my surprise, when I was doing the exercise I was feeling a bit anxious almost the whole time and I need to intentionally remind myself to focus on the exercise and relax.  I was feeling a bit impatient and wanted the exercise to be over with but I waited for the timer to go off.  

This simple exercise led me to be attuned to my internal self and senses. While doing the exercise, two items brought some good memories associated with it.  The earrings that my best friend gave me and the bracelet from my mom.  This made me realize that some items might cause clients to re-experience trauma or experience negative emotions.   It would be helpful to provide some guidelines and instruct clients on what to do when this happens.  They can use some relaxation techniques during the exercise, journal their experience afterward or stop the exercise when it gets tough and overwhelming.  I wonder if clients can also try this during counseling sessions before trying it on their own.  

Before doing the second exercise (Safe Nest), I anticipated it might be emotionally challenging.  Indeed, it was.  The moment I lay down and started with the exercise, I felt like crying and I allowed myself to cry without knowing why.  I was surprised because I am happy these days.  

What happened next was mind-blowing.  It felt like I was transported back in time.  Scenes of the different stages of my life and the significant thoughts and emotions associated with it starting from toddler up to last year flashed into my mind.  The reason I wanted to cry at the beginning of the exercise was the feeling of grief when my mom left me to my grandmother’s care when I was a toddler.  After letting myself cry for a few minutes, I felt relieved and the next scene flashed when I was 5-6 years old.  I noticed that when I correctly attended and addressed what I needed at those moments I would move to the next scene because I felt seen, heard, and understood.  It was an amazing experience.  The nest provided a feeling of warmth, safety, and comfort and it allowed me to be in tune with my internal self.  I was also able to attend to myself.  The exercise had given me a chance to acknowledge and validate my feelings and it generated peace within me. 

I made some changes to help me stay focused while doing the exercise.  My eyes were closed during the entire exercise.  I found gently rocking myself distracting in attuning with my internal feelings so I stopped it instead I gently and slowly tapped my chest above my heart.  This provided a soothing effect especially when I was feeling anxious.  It also provided a rhythm and helped me attuned to my internal self better.      

I realized that I should be careful when to suggest safe nest to clients. I realized that traumatic memories might get triggered in the process.  Clients should know ways to manage and self-regulate their emotions before suggesting this exercise so they would know what to do in case they re-experience traumatic experiences.  I wonder if setting an alarm might help them come back to the present or they can ask someone to check on them in person or someone calls them on the phone after 30-45minutes as precautionary measures in case flashbacks happened.  

Anna, I appreciated your insight that some items may cause clients to experience negative emotions if there are negative associations with the items they choose for the sensory basket; as a result, I will invite clients to choose items that are neutral or only have positive memories associated with them. And wow, thank you so much for sharing your Safe Nest experience! My experience was similar in that feelings of my younger self arose, and it seemed like it was the attunement and attention you gave yourself that allowed your younger parts to come to the surface. I was glad to hear that you also had experiences of your younger years while doing this exercise because now I am more informed on how to prepare my clients for doing this exercise!