Quote from AStubbs on April 19, 2021, 7:14 pm

Choose one of the stages of Creating a New Meaning for Sex (e.g. Discuss ideas about healthy sexuality with others, or Learn more about healthy sex).  Do the assignment you would give to a client.  (For example, talk to a few close friends, or your parents, or other safe people, about what they believe healthy sex and abusive sex are; or, look up websites, podcasts, books, or other methods to investigate healthy sexuality).  Write about what you learned from the experience and how you felt doing the assignment (And, if you find good resources, share them!).  Imagine what your clients might feel doing that assignment and write at least a few sentences about how you would address their objections, procrastination, or reactions.

Quote from christyculbreth on April 21, 2021, 8:05 pm

As a sexual abuse survivor, talking about sex has always been difficult for me. As a result, I chose this discussion prompt because I knew I would feel uncomfortable doing this exercise. It was important to me that I truly understand my mental noise and feelings talking about sex if I am going to navigate into the field of sex therapy.

Specifically, I chose the assignment: “discuss ideas about healthy sexuality with others.” I discussed my views of sex with my husband. For context, we have been married for only five months, so these conversations are new to us! I utilized a questionnaire that was provided to us in premarital counseling to guide the conversation. At first, I noticed that I truly avoided the conversation. I had mentioned it to him and the only real reason that we completed the assignment is because he held me accountable. I found that my avoidance was rooted in fear about uprooting the trauma and potentially re-experiencing the pain.

We started the conversation by praying and that truly eased my fear. I felt as if God had entered the room and I anticipated some level of healing. The visual that came to mind was the bleeding woman who touched Jesus and stopped bleeding. The questions about our attitudes about sex were not as anxiety inducing, until we answered the question, “What do you think about the idea of sex being holy?” I noticed that I really wanted to have a solid answer to this question, but I realized that I got a bit stuck. I was reminded of Dr. Taylor’s sentiment that counselors in this field must have a theology of suffering. I immediately noted that I needed to put my thoughts into words because I felt triggered. I imagine that my clients may feel triggered by this question, as well.

Regarding clients’ objections, procrastination, and reactions, I would handle them differently depending on the client and the thought process. I would lean into a narrative approach surrounding the stories they are telling themselves about their thoughts. What is the story that the client is telling that is getting in the way of the discussion or the healthy view? To me, storytelling is an extremely powerful tool to use when we discuss our sexuality with others.

Quote from agold on April 23, 2021, 5:12 pm

Quote from christyculbreth on April 21, 2021, 8:05 pm

As a sexual abuse survivor, talking about sex has always been difficult for me. As a result, I chose this discussion prompt because I knew I would feel uncomfortable doing this exercise. It was important to me that I truly understand my mental noise and feelings talking about sex if I am going to navigate into the field of sex therapy.

Specifically, I chose the assignment: “discuss ideas about healthy sexuality with others.” I discussed my views of sex with my husband. For context, we have been married for only five months, so these conversations are new to us! I utilized a questionnaire that was provided to us in premarital counseling to guide the conversation. At first, I noticed that I truly avoided the conversation. I had mentioned it to him and the only real reason that we completed the assignment is because he held me accountable. I found that my avoidance was rooted in fear about uprooting the trauma and potentially re-experiencing the pain.

We started the conversation by praying and that truly eased my fear. I felt as if God had entered the room and I anticipated some level of healing. The visual that came to mind was the bleeding woman who touched Jesus and stopped bleeding. The questions about our attitudes about sex were not as anxiety inducing, until we answered the question, “What do you think about the idea of sex being holy?” I noticed that I really wanted to have a solid answer to this question, but I realized that I got a bit stuck. I was reminded of Dr. Taylor’s sentiment that counselors in this field must have a theology of suffering. I immediately noted that I needed to put my thoughts into words because I felt triggered. I imagine that my clients may feel triggered by this question, as well.

Regarding clients’ objections, procrastination, and reactions, I would handle them differently depending on the client and the thought process. I would lean into a narrative approach surrounding the stories they are telling themselves about their thoughts. What is the story that the client is telling that is getting in the way of the discussion or the healthy view? To me, storytelling is an extremely powerful tool to use when we discuss our sexuality with others.

Christy,

Thank you for sharing your experience and vulnerability in your post. It inspired me to want to do this same exercise with my husband to discuss and further our communication surrounding a topic that has innumerable emotions connected to it. I really resonated with a lot of what you said and your wrestling with the question of “What do you think about the idea of sex being holy?” and feeling triggered. I believe that you sharing your perspective will allow me to be more conscientious of how I present these exercises to clients as they may have deeper experiences/feelings than I am aware of. Going forward, I intend to make sure there is a base of safety and stabilization with a psychoeducation handout of intentional grounding techniques for the clients who may find these exercises especially painful. Thank you again for sharing your perspective and experience. It was so powerful!!

Quote from creece on April 25, 2021, 6:35 am

Christy,

Thank you so much for sharing your personal story with all of us. I am sure your work with clients on this matter must convey compassion and healing. Your story adds to our recent training on leaning into a deeper perspective on what triggers I have to be aware of with clients. I also appreciate how you covered yourself in prayer before you started the work, this is such a key to the healing journey.  It always breaks my heart when couples come in and do not have a relationship with the Great Healer themselves. (though I pray for them before and after session, on my own) I can see how the question you visualized about “sex being holy” made you pause and as I read your response, I was drawn to remember a powerful question that Dr. Yarhouse mentioned in our last class, (I believe it is from Emerging Gender Identities) “How am I called to face this situation?”  You are so right about using a narrative approach; their story invites us to walk with them. Beautiful sharing, I appreciate you!

Quote from Anna Co on April 28, 2021, 4:04 pm

Thanks for sharing Christy.  I admire your courage in choosing this particular exercise.   Your fear about the possibility of re-experiencing the pain is valid.  It is not easy to start such conversations.  I like the idea of how you prayed and invited God and how it lessened your fear.  I would like to try this with Christian clients who are having a hard time disclosing.  I’ll ask them if they would like to invite Jesus into our midst. 

I’m glad you’ve raised about clients’ reactions and procrastination disclosing.  Counselors need to be sensitive to clients’ reactions and they must let clients set their pace when sharing or we need to keep them from oversharing as well.  I remember my supervisor said that if clients revealed too much on the first session they would feel naked and embarrassed to come back.  So to those clients who lack boundaries, we need to help them not to overshare.  On the other hand to those having difficulty sharing, we need to be patient with them.  We need to remember that we are strangers to them and it is difficult for them to trust us.  Therefore, building a therapeutic alliance is of utmost importance.  

Quote from agold on April 28, 2021, 10:52 pm

I love that Dr. Taylor suggested this experiential exercise as a discussion post. I know that I am much more inclined to promote an intervention if I have experienced it myself. I decided to participate in the stage that was to “discuss ideas about healthy sexuality with others”. After a couple of years of being married, I realized that I have certain expectations of how sex “should” go and that a healthier version of sex for both my husband and myself with be one without any pressure. We decided to take an evening and discuss more in-depth where our perceptions of sexuality came from and how they have influenced how we view sex today. 

We began our conversation by going through how we first learned about sex. Our first discussions surrounding what sex was (mechanics) and what it meant to have sex (emotional/spiritual implications) were vastly different. My mom began conversations with me at an earlier age and kept revisiting the topic over and over as I grew up to answer any questions I may have about it. There was safety and openness to the discussion around sex and so I felt very comfortable discussing it with her. On the other hand, my husband describes his learning of sex to be awkward and described to him by his parents as “embarrassing”. His perception of sex was changed based on how he first heard it described. 

Now after being married for a couple of years, when asked about healthy sexuality, my husband states that healthy sex happens when two partners have the desire to engage in sex with clear communication and clarity about how the sexual experience will unfold. He says there must be trust from one partner to another and that there needs to be an emotional connection and fulfillment from each party. He said that each partner should be conscientious of the other and selfless to serve their partner in that capacity. He then went on to highlight the importance of pleasure within the individual as well, that there must be a give and take between the two individuals. He compared sex to being on a sports team. He said, “You want to have fun, but you want everyone on your team to win” which I thought was a pretty great way to describe it. The conversation began to turn towards how we wanted to describe sex to our kids one day and we ended on this idea: we want to express to our kids that sex is the “ultimate connection physically and emotionally. You open yourself up to your partner. You are fully known and loved and it is a beautiful gift”. 

When thinking about suggesting this exercise for couples, it might be beneficial for me to provide some “starter” questions in regards to sexuality. For example, questions like “when was the first time you heard about sex? What was that experience like? How do you define sex?”. I think for individuals who may have been taught that sex was dirty or shameful, they may get stuck in the discussion as sex may have been taboo to discuss before. There are card decks available that could be conversation starters and may make the discussion feel less pressured and more like a game. The Gottman-based app called “Card Decks” has a section devoted to sex-related questions and could be a resource for future couples.

Quote from Efergeson on April 28, 2021, 10:55 pm

Quote from christyculbreth on April 21, 2021, 8:05 pm

As a sexual abuse survivor, talking about sex has always been difficult for me. As a result, I chose this discussion prompt because I knew I would feel uncomfortable doing this exercise. It was important to me that I truly understand my mental noise and feelings talking about sex if I am going to navigate into the field of sex therapy.

Specifically, I chose the assignment: “discuss ideas about healthy sexuality with others.” I discussed my views of sex with my husband. For context, we have been married for only five months, so these conversations are new to us! I utilized a questionnaire that was provided to us in premarital counseling to guide the conversation. At first, I noticed that I truly avoided the conversation. I had mentioned it to him and the only real reason that we completed the assignment is because he held me accountable. I found that my avoidance was rooted in fear about uprooting the trauma and potentially re-experiencing the pain.

We started the conversation by praying and that truly eased my fear. I felt as if God had entered the room and I anticipated some level of healing. The visual that came to mind was the bleeding woman who touched Jesus and stopped bleeding. The questions about our attitudes about sex were not as anxiety inducing, until we answered the question, “What do you think about the idea of sex being holy?” I noticed that I really wanted to have a solid answer to this question, but I realized that I got a bit stuck. I was reminded of Dr. Taylor’s sentiment that counselors in this field must have a theology of suffering. I immediately noted that I needed to put my thoughts into words because I felt triggered. I imagine that my clients may feel triggered by this question, as well.

Regarding clients’ objections, procrastination, and reactions, I would handle them differently depending on the client and the thought process. I would lean into a narrative approach surrounding the stories they are telling themselves about their thoughts. What is the story that the client is telling that is getting in the way of the discussion or the healthy view? To me, storytelling is an extremely powerful tool to use when we discuss our sexuality with others.

Thank you for sharing Christy. That was very powerful because of what you have experienced. I love the part where you said you started the conversation with prayer and that eased your fears. It is so important to allow God to be a part of our sexuality. After they took of the fruit in the Garden the first thing Adam and Eve noticed was that they were naked and covered themselves. Our bodies and sexuality was not meant to be this way and if we allow God to be a part of it we can hopefully enjoy the blessing of sex that he created for a married couple. Sexuality can be Holy because God separated it from any other place other than the marriage covenant.

Quote from abostwic on April 29, 2021, 6:43 pm

I completed this activity by calling and speaking with one of my pastors. I asked them about what they believe healthy sex and abusive sex are. I was a little hesitant because previous Christian leaders have answered this with beliefs/resources that support that women are the “gatekeepers” for male purity and sexuality and how damaging this is. I was pleasantly surprised to hear her talk about being made in the image of God and that we are all equally responsible for ourselves, and that sex is a gift and self-expression of love. As I sat and listened to her definition of abusive sex, I heard very stereotypical answers about consent and physically taking advantage, nothing was mentioned about emotional, verbal and psychological abuse that can happen between spouses or about the trauma anti-sex teachings can have. I asked what resources she recommends for parishioners that call in. She mentioned Love and Respect and Sheet Music. These two books are two I have tried to read, and have struggled to engage their content because I found it to be lacking research and did not match my own sex theology. At the end of the discussion, I left encouraged that good teaching was being done in my church, although there was a lack of knowledge and understanding in different areas which is understandable because this was not something she was an expert in. she also did not know about sex therapy and how to even refer someone, so she learned as well.

 

So with this, I searched for good sex resources, just like I was the parishioner who knew nothing and wanted to know more. I learned of the book Great Sex Rescue and although was not able to read it, learned that the author heavily researched Christian books about sex and marriage, dissected which were well researched and why, and corrected poor sex theology found in common books. Love and Respect and Sheet Music were found to be unethically researched, bias in their thesis and interpretation of data, and actually showed poor sex theology. I was greatly encouraged to know I was not crazy. She does recommend the Penner’s book on The Gift of Sex.

 

When I give this assignment to clients, I expect that there will be hesitancy just as I had about good resources and about how my own fear of talking about sex can hurt relationships with friends/family because of potential disagreement and poor understandings of sex. I also want to address with clients about this is about learning our own understanding of sex, not adopting another’s; not everyone is called to be a sex missionary so they do not need to feel responsible for correcting loved ones with wrong theology either. I want to encourage them that in working with me, they will be able to bring back what they learn and be able to talk through it and decipher for themselves what feels true and what does not feel good. Empowering them to choose for themselves.

Quote from Carmon Conover on April 29, 2021, 6:56 pm

Quote from agold on April 28, 2021, 10:52 pm

. He compared sex to being on a sports team. He said, “You want to have fun, but you want everyone on your team to win” which I thought was a pretty great way to describe it. The conversation began to turn towards how we wanted to describe sex to our kids one day and we ended on this idea: we want to express to our kids that sex is the “ultimate connection physically and emotionally. You open yourself up to your partner. You are fully known and loved and it is a beautiful gift”. 

When thinking about suggesting this exercise for couples, it might be beneficial for me to provide some “starter” questions in regards to sexuality. For example, questions like “when was the first time you heard about sex? What was that experience like? How do you define sex?”. I think for individuals who may have been taught that sex was dirty or shameful, they may get stuck in the discussion as sex may have been taboo to discuss before. There are card decks available that could be conversation starters and may make the discussion feel less pressured and more like a game. The Gottman-based app called “Card Decks” has a section devoted to sex-related questions and could be a resource for future couples.

 

Quote from agold on April 28, 2021, 10:52 pm He compared sex to being on a sports team. He said, “You want to have fun, but you want everyone on your team to win” which I thought was a pretty great way to describe it.

 

That is a great way to describe it! And your idea of having starter questions for couples to explore the meaning of sex for them is so helpful. Because people are more used to having sex than talking about it, when you try to engage them in a conversation about it, especially if they absorbed messages that it's a taboo topic that carries shame and embarrassment, sometimes you can to get a deer in the headlights look. Thoughtful questions can normalize the conversation, so they can continue to talk about it with each other. The card decks from the Gottmans sounds like a good resource to help them do that. A new resource that can help with uncovering messages people have absorbed and meaning (or lack of it) they may have attributed to sex is by Sheila Wray Gregoire, called The Great Sex Rescue. She strongly emphasizes that sex is for both partners, and she discusses the way popular Christian resources have framed it as mostly a gift wives give to husbands that protects the man from choosing other sinful outlets for his sex drive. Your husband's view of how sex is so "everyone can win" is a much healthier view!