Quote from faiths93 on April 30, 2021, 4:51 am

The answer to ‘why would we work towards imperfect solutions’ is simply: because perfection does not exist! The first parallel that comes to mind is of an average Joe trying to recreate the chocolate cake recipe he saw on Pinterest. It’s not an average chocolate cake though; we’ve all seen those recipes with photos so immaculate, it feels like we could almost eat the computer screen! That perfect picture is what inspired Joe to try his hand at chocolate cake in the first place, and it’s what keeps him inspired as he stirs, bakes and frosts. After a few hours though, when he finally steps back to admire his handiwork, what does he see? A perfect replica of the Pinterest cake? Absolutely not! Joe’s cake is leaning a bit to the right, the frosting is not near as smooth, and he doesn’t have all the nice touches, like the gorgeous cake platter or those unique sprinkles. Joe could throw the whole cake away, because it’s not perfect, but that would absolutely be a waste of a delicious, imperfect chocolate cake! Joe needs to invite all his friends over and have them sip coffee and marvel at his handiwork as he cuts them each a slice. Joe’s friends love celebrating his hard work, and I bet they are thrilled to partake in it as well!

 

I did not mean for my analogy to go on for so long, but to me, it’s the perfect description of what it means to create an imperfect solution for our clients. They will have to work through some really hard emotions and feelings and after a few sessions, they may want to throw it all away and never come back. Their relationship doesn’t look like what they imagined or they hate the fact that they will have to keep forgiving their perpetrator over and over again—why isn’t it a one-and-done deal?! We have to be pictures of the Gospel in that moment, celebrating their unique, imperfect story and how much they’ve grown.

 

One example of an imperfect scenario is a wife who has been struggling with hormone issues that have impacted her sex drive ever since her first baby two years ago. The reality is, her sex drive or body may never be back to what it was, back to ‘perfect.’ An imperfect scenario is one where she takes hormone supplements and focuses on her diet to help improve her sex drive, and where her husband spends time researching & purchasing particular body oils and lotions formulated to awaken a women’s senses and sensuality. They will never reach perfection in which their sex drives always match, but the team effort they put in creates an even deeper bond between them and they get to experiment with many lotions and oils—many of which really work!!

Quote from malloryoxendine on April 30, 2021, 4:26 pm

Quote from ggeorgina29 on April 27, 2021, 3:36 pm

As sex therapists, we would sometimes work towards imperfect solutions for multiple reasons. First of all, we live in a fallen, broken world full of imperfect people, situations, conditions, and sin. There will be many situations and conditions that are not solved easily, but are layered and therefore require a solution that is a best fit or an "imperfect solution." As sex therapists we are also for the most part working in the arena of couples and relationships, meaning more than one person and client. No two people are the same and what could be seen as "perfect" solution for one person is not a solution for the other person. With the complexities of being unique finding solutions for the couple may sometimes mean compromising or finding an imperfect solution.

An imperfect solution may look like having to take a fast/break/time-out from sex for a period of time while the client (either working with an individual or the couple) is working through the issues that brought them to sex therapy or the goals that they have made. This is definitely an imperfect solution because as sex therapists we want our couples and clients to have a fruitful and joyful sexual relationship with their spouse. We also know full well that there is much more to a fruitful relationship than sex. There may be past traumas including a sexual assault, affair, etc. that needs to be dealt with before returning to sex. Part of this imperfect solution can include the couple choosing what they want to call their break, empowering them to determine the time period, label, boundaries, etc. and work together with the ultimate purpose of starting, returning, and experiencing sexual intimacy with one another.

In this world we can only work with imperfect solutions, Christ is the only one with perfect solutions and who can solve anything perfectly. There are times though that sometimes an imperfect solution is just what we have been called to work through and gives an opportunity for Christ to work through it perfectly.

Georgina,

Thanks for your input and ideas behind working towards an imperfect solution. I completely agree, that a lot of sex therapy is almost always conducted in the context of relationships and usually with more than 1 person in the counseling room.  Your points that perfection look different to each individual are so true! I like the idea that compromising is an imperfect solution in a way, I have never thought of it like that before. Your examples of imperfect solutions were true and I think it is our job as sex therapists to make it abundantly clear to our clients that growth, healing, and restoration is going to look and feel imperfect. That probably means that something is going right!

I love how you noted that in our imperfection, whether in the counseling room or just in life gives Christ the opportunity to display his perfection. And what a beautiful picture that is for our clients, that as messy and imperfect as life can be; especially sexual issues, we have a perfect Savior that provides restoration here on earth and fully in heaven.  Your examples of imperfect solutions were true and I think it is our job as sex therapists to make it abundantly clear to our clients that growth, healing, and restoration is going to look and feel imperfect. That probably means that something is going right!

Quote from faiths93 on April 30, 2021, 6:13 pm

Quote from cindy271 on April 28, 2021, 3:43 pm

Given the degree of brokenness in our world it is surprising that we struggle so hard with accepting imperfect solutions with our clients and in our own lives.  I think that our culture has trained us that just about everything can be fixed.  “Justice will happen,” “my medical problems with be healed,” or “I really can rid my garden of weeds” are all things that I have believed at some point only to be disappointed by the fact that this world is in fact living under a curse.  If we really grasped how this world was supposed to be, I think we would find ourselves truly humbled at the small graces from our heavenly Father.

A few years ago, when I was having some health issues that puzzled the doctors, I remember feeling like I was in a double bind.  I was presented with two options as I saw it: Pursue health in a frenzy like it was my new savior or cynically decide to not pursue health at all.  Thankfully, the Lord pointed me toward the secret third option that the gospel always lays out for us: I trusted God with my health as I sought to treat my body like the temple of God’s spirit.  Since the fix to my health issues are mostly cured by lifestyle, I still fight the double bind on a daily basis.

As a therapist I find myself tempted to work toward perfect solutions because I get too wrapped up in the “right way” vs. the “wrong way” of doing things.  I get so focused in on the Law that I miss sight of the gospel.  The gospel always sets a path that is out of the double bind that we find ourselves in.  I remember hearing from one of my friends of a sex therapy case involving a man who had medically and surgically transitioned and had lived as a woman for many years.  I was a baby therapist at the time and had just begun working as a counselor.  The client had come to a place where she was maturing as a Christian, felt conviction over how she treated her gender dysphoria, and asked my friend if she should transition back to being a man.  I remember feeling conflict in my heart about this case because while this person had lived for years as a woman and it would be heart wrenching to detransition, something in my heart said, “but he must transition back to show his repentance!”

I am now not so sure I could possibly have the right answers for this person.  I never found out what happened to this client, but I think no matter the outcome it was certainly an imperfect solution to a very painful problem.  What I have found certainty on is that the gospel will always provide room for and point us toward imperfect solutions even when it is uncomfortable for me.

Cindy,

 

I appreciated your post and insight about imperfection; like you said, it’s almost humorous to think about how often our society expects and hopes for perfection even though we never achieve it! It is interesting how the Lord created our hearts to always have that hope for perfection, when He knew we would never reach it. This makes the majesty of Jesus and salvation even more sweet!

 

The story of the transgender client who was undergoing a spiritual transformation was both encouraging and heart-breaking. We don’t often hear stories of such radical transformation, so I appreciated hearing how the Lord was working in their life. I liked how you ended the story; no matter what decision they made, we can have confidence that God is so much bigger than our individual decisions. We can have the same trust in Him when we do infidelity counseling for couples who may be dealing with children conceived during the affair, or working with a couple who feels they should not be married because of all their baggage and pain, but are deciding to work through it anyway. God is always bigger!

 

-Faith

Quote from faiths93 on April 30, 2021, 6:39 pm

Quote from lpernoud on April 23, 2021, 7:08 pm

As sex therapists, imperfect solutions are the only solutions we can work towards with our clients. This is true for any realm of counseling (for example, with addictions, no one ever achieves perfected “recovery” – rather, they remain in a constant state of imperfect “recovering”). As fallible beings living in a fallen world, it is impossible to strive for perfection. If we give our clients the expectation that we can endeavor to have a “perfect” solution, we will inevitably fail them, which may lead them to an even deeper sense of despair or hopelessness.

This, however, does not mean that we are without hope for our clients’ capacity to heal and grow within their imperfect solutions, as well as live their lives more fully in the present day. They may still have an emotional “scar” at the end of the process, but they will no longer suffer from a gaping wound, and the pain will be significantly lessened.

An example of what an imperfect solution could look like is this: we cannot undo a client’s sexual trauma, but we can support them in how they respond to and engage with their traumatic experience. Many clients wish that their trauma could be reversed or undone, or that they could simply forget about their traumatic experience. However, as a past supervisor once told me, “you can’t un-pickle a cucumber once it’s been pickled!” Instead of striving towards the perfect solution of returning to a state of being a cucumber, the imperfect solution is to appreciate the pickle. In other words, we as sex therapists can support our clients in finding their strength, meaning, and restored narrative in who they are today rather than futilely relishing (no pun intended) in the person they were before their trauma.

The only perfect solutions come from God, and we have faith and joy that we will be made perfect in Him one day. We can offer our clients hope in rebuilding a better – albeit imperfect – life on earth while looking forward to the perfection that is to come.

Ipernoud,

 

What I appreciated most about your post was your ‘relishing’ pun! It is nice to have some humor with a topic that can be so heavy. Your thoughts about those recovering from addiction is spot on. Peer groups like AA or Celebrate recovery have attendees who have been in recovery for decades, but still value and even need the weekly support of others who have faced addiction. Our imperfect lives are much like this. We can celebrate our salvation and sanctification, while also accepting we will never rid ourselves of our fleshly desires and sin nature until we are at Home with the Lord.

The fact that we are imperfect as counselors is also something we need to always remember. Lest we start viewing ourselves as a client’s savior and forgetting where our wisdom and insight comes from. Thanks be to the Holy Spirit who is faithful to remind us of these simply facts we are privy to forgetting!

-Faith

Quote from elainekdowell on April 30, 2021, 9:59 pm

Quote from faiths93 on April 30, 2021, 4:51 am

The answer to ‘why would we work towards imperfect solutions’ is simply: because perfection does not exist! The first parallel that comes to mind is of an average Joe trying to recreate the chocolate cake recipe he saw on Pinterest. It’s not an average chocolate cake though; we’ve all seen those recipes with photos so immaculate, it feels like we could almost eat the computer screen! That perfect picture is what inspired Joe to try his hand at chocolate cake in the first place, and it’s what keeps him inspired as he stirs, bakes and frosts. After a few hours though, when he finally steps back to admire his handiwork, what does he see? A perfect replica of the Pinterest cake? Absolutely not! Joe’s cake is leaning a bit to the right, the frosting is not near as smooth, and he doesn’t have all the nice touches, like the gorgeous cake platter or those unique sprinkles. Joe could throw the whole cake away, because it’s not perfect, but that would absolutely be a waste of a delicious, imperfect chocolate cake! Joe needs to invite all his friends over and have them sip coffee and marvel at his handiwork as he cuts them each a slice. Joe’s friends love celebrating his hard work, and I bet they are thrilled to partake in it as well!

 

I did not mean for my analogy to go on for so long, but to me, it’s the perfect description of what it means to create an imperfect solution for our clients. They will have to work through some really hard emotions and feelings and after a few sessions, they may want to throw it all away and never come back. Their relationship doesn’t look like what they imagined or they hate the fact that they will have to keep forgiving their perpetrator over and over again—why isn’t it a one-and-done deal?! We have to be pictures of the Gospel in that moment, celebrating their unique, imperfect story and how much they’ve grown.

 

One example of an imperfect scenario is a wife who has been struggling with hormone issues that have impacted her sex drive ever since her first baby two years ago. The reality is, her sex drive or body may never be back to what it was, back to ‘perfect.’ An imperfect scenario is one where she takes hormone supplements and focuses on her diet to help improve her sex drive, and where her husband spends time researching & purchasing particular body oils and lotions formulated to awaken a women’s senses and sensuality. They will never reach perfection in which their sex drives always match, but the team effort they put in creates an even deeper bond between them and they get to experiment with many lotions and oils—many of which really work!!

Hi faiths93,

I enjoyed your cake analogy and the fun way you depict why imperfect solutions are so necessary in all areas of life. This plays out in the therapy process in a lot of different areas, and it seems like a really important reminder for therapists and clients to continually go back to. Your example of a wife with hormone issues post-baby does a great job depicting this pursuit of imperfection. There has to be an internal shift around expectations and what are realistic limitations. It seems like it would be important to also make space for grieving the losses and changes as well, while also looking towards a new vision of imperfection. Thanks for your insights!

Quote from katelyn.martin on May 1, 2021, 1:54 am

As therapists in general, it is important that we not become perfectionists. People are human and imperfect. When it comes to sex therapy, the same is true. Sometimes things can’t be perfect or “fixed” for whatever reason. Working towards a “good enough” solution is sometimes the best we can do. There are multiple examples of working toward imperfect solutions. For example, learning to have sex or have sexual pleasure with a disabled person. There is nothing that we can do to fix the disability, but we can work towards solution that make the most sense and helps the couple feel more sexually comfortable than they were before. Another example is one partner on an SSRI or Antipsychotic medication that reduces sex drive. Sometimes these medicines cannot be changed and they are needed in order to function. In this scenario, the couple will have to work to make some compromises in what they want their sexual relationship to look like. It will be an imperfect solution, but at least there will be communication and learning different ways to keep things as spicy as they can be. Another example of an imperfect solution could be one partner coming-out as transgender and getting reassignment surgery. If the couple loves each other and wants to stay together, there will be differences in what their sex looks like. It could not be “perfect” like it was before, so the couple will need to work towards imperfect solutions in how to keep each other sexually satisfied.

Quote from alisonemilybarnard@gmail.com on May 1, 2021, 2:59 am

As I read the responses to this topic, I appreciated the humility with which everyone approached this. The inherent brokenness of mankind in fallen world seemed to be the driving force in understanding this idea that all solutions must be imperfect on this side of heaven. I certainly agree with this and think the heart posture perfectly appropriate especially given the stories and hurts that we carry with our clients. I think I like to grapple with how to hold the imperfect solution alongside the hope for any solution at all. Sometimes as the therapist, I hold the hope when the client does not see any possible positive outcome. Sometimes I am the one casting the vision for the imperfect solution and celebrating God’s healing work that allowed the solution, albeit imperfect, to be possible. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking a tightrope here not wanting to move too quickly into hope when the client needs to grieve, or not staying too long in the grief when the client needs hope. Oh the art of therapy!

Quote from nkeeter on May 5, 2021, 4:51 pm

I think counselors in general need to go into the room with the humble perspective of seeking to help couples and individuals find imperfect solutions to where they are right now in their context of being broken people on a broken earth. This also takes into consideration that we are broken people on a broken earth too who are unable on our own fruition to create perfect solutions. I think being up front about this in counseling is a good idea as it manages expectations and relieves the pressure on the couple or individual to perform perfectly any solutions that are suggested

 

Quote from lys_kiss18 on April 28, 2021, 2:41 pm

I think counselors in general need to go into the room with the humble perspective of seeking to help couples and individuals find imperfect solutions to where they are right now in their context of being broken people on a broken earth. This also takes into consideration that we are broken people on a broken earth too who are unable on our own fruition to create perfect solutions. I think being up front about this in counseling is a good idea as it manages expectations and relieves the pressure on the couple or individual to perform perfectly any solutions that are suggested. 

I have found that the "perfect solution" conundrum limits how clients engage with a particular problem. If we have to come up with "the perfect answer" in order to begin developing a decent work around we are likely to stay stuck for a long time. One of the ways I have used this with clients is by finding ways that they have developed "imperfect solutions" in ways other than their relational and sexual life.

After finding "exceptions" to their other problems we attempt to generalize that skill into working through relational/sexual life issues.

One of the ways to do that might be asking "so how many times do you have all the data you need to make the perfect answer?" After a bit of discussion, there is usually an agreement that we never have ALL the data. "How many times do you have perfect understanding of the data you have?" usually again has the answer of never. Then we can cap off the discussion with "but even without all the data we need or perfect understanding of the data we have, we can usually come up with "good enough" answers to start the work."

Quote from courtneyrhanks@gmail.com on May 7, 2021, 2:40 am

An imperfect solution in sex therapy can take on many forms. For example, helping a non believing child who identifies as having a gay identity have a relationship and fruitful communication with his conservative Christian parents who struggle to understand and support him.  The two sides are unlikely to ever completely agree, however as a therapist if we can help the family ultimately find empathy and understanding for each others perspective, then that is an imperfect solution. Furthermore, if a same sex attracted client wants to live a life that is honoring to God, but is also struggling with celibacy due to being lonely, a therapist can help the client find imperfect solutions that can be tailored to that client.  I agree with all of you, that imperfect solutions are a natural part of counseling due to living in a fallen world.