Quote from AStubbs on April 19, 2021, 7:15 pm

Different approaches to helping couples recover from infidelity place different emphasis on 1) treating the trauma of the infidelity vs 2) treating the underlying factors behind the affair. What individual or couple factors might play into you attending to the underlying factors rather than keeping focused on the acute wound? Be specific - i.e. if you would shift to the underlying factor after feeling the wound is healing, what markers would tell you the wound is healed enough?

Quote from Stephen Dorsey on April 20, 2021, 1:08 pm

The primary consideration in shifting the focus of therapy to the underlying factors behind the affair, is the emotional state and willingness of the injured party to do so.  There are several benchmarks along the way that indicate such a shift is indicated.  The injured party may report an improvement in day to day functioning: better sleep, a return to normal eating, able to complete necessary tasks, less consumed by thoughts of the betrayal.  An indication of desire to save the marriage is a noteworthy marker, as is an acknowledgement that most important questions about the affair have been answered.  Expressions of appreciation of how hard the spouse has been working to promote healing and restore trust is an excellent milestone.  The presence of a strong, healthy, relational support system outside the marriage will be helpful to the injured spouse in transitioning to this next phase.  Finally, a declaration by the injured party of a willingness to own at least part of the problems in the marriage prior to the affair, is indicative that a transition to examine the underlying factors behind the affair.

The therapist may want to hasten this process if it becomes apparent the offending spouse is carrying excessive resentment toward the partner because of deficits in the marriage that contributed to the offender's vulnerability.  This is especially true if the resentment is blocking the offender from fully entering into the healing process so much needed by the injured partner.  Similarly, if the offending party is ambivalent about continuing in the marriage, he or she may gain some hope by the prospect of examining the marriage and witnessing the partner as also contrite and willing to change.  An additional consideration could be the experience of the offending party with affairs in his or her first family.  A husband once reported that his father had an affair, and clearly spent the rest of his marriage paying it.  This husband feared the same for himself.  In such circumstances, advancing to an examination of the marriage is better done sooner than later.

Regarding the couple relationship itself, the first consideration is that the affair has definitely ended, without which it would be most difficult for the injured party to examine the marriage without rancor Another important marker is the establishment of an agreed upon safety plan regarding the practical issues of contact with the outside affair partner, accountability for time and whereabouts, monitoring of electronic devices and STD tests, if warranted.  Other important agreements that must be first attended to are whom to tell and when, and what life changes may be accomplished or at least discussed, such as a change of jobs, a different shift, switching churches, moving to a different town, etc.  If the couple has resumed sexual relations, this is a hopeful but not essential milestone to move on to the next phase of therapy.  Similarly, it the couple reports times of enjoyable connection, with brief "holidays" from the disruption of the affair, this good will may be parlayed into more production conversation about the marriage.

Quote from Coryrodgers on April 20, 2021, 6:42 pm

It seems challenging to identify one particular “thing” that would allow me the space to move on from the trauma of the infidelity to the underlying factors. My first consideration would be the buy in from the wounded spouse.  From my experience, it’s critical that the pain of the wounded spouse is fully attended to.  One of the ways we do this is by showing them appropriate time.  In my first year of private practice I made the mistake of trying to move too quickly to the “why” and it was evident I ruptured with the wounded spouse.  Although it was repaired she felt I was taking sides, assigning her responsibility to the affair, and had not grasped the pain she in was in. It wasn’t until I went through some personal events in life that I fully grasped the pain the couple was in and recognized the need to work slowly. 

If the wounded spouse has not had adequate time to grieve and come to grips with what was lost the progress cannot be sustained. Along with this comes the patience from the wounding partner to allow the therapist to bridge the gap to attributing reasons, rather than hoping to use the reasons as justifications. Attributing factors and justifications are not synonymous. 

Obviously, this comes with balance.  The therapist must assess for appropriate grief and pain in the wounded partner vs spite and bitterness. Another marker is assessing for the type of anger shown. When rage is present, so is defensiveness. When we are able to express the vulnerability of brokenness, it allows ourselves to look inward be willing to see what patterns or cycles were present prior to the affair. 

My last thought would be to consider the goal of the couple. There is a big difference (initially) when one partner is forced into coming to counseling vs two people who say “we want to work through this.” The prior couple might take more time to be willing to go back to factors contributing to the affair. It’s difficult to achieve collaborative goals and buy in from a couple if they (as a couple or as individuals) have not begun to decide if they are willing to stay in the marriage. This clearly does not have to be set in stone, but without any indication of their goals to try to stay together, moving past the infidelity trauma into the next phase is quite risky in my opinion. 

Quote from Coryrodgers on April 21, 2021, 4:51 pm

Quote from Stephen Dorsey on April 20, 2021, 1:08 pm

The primary consideration in shifting the focus of therapy to the underlying factors behind the affair, is the emotional state and willingness of the injured party to do so.  There are several benchmarks along the way that indicate such a shift is indicated.  The injured party may report an improvement in day to day functioning: better sleep, a return to normal eating, able to complete necessary tasks, less consumed by thoughts of the betrayal.  An indication of desire to save the marriage is a noteworthy marker, as is an acknowledgement that most important questions about the affair have been answered.  Expressions of appreciation of how hard the spouse has been working to promote healing and restore trust is an excellent milestone.  The presence of a strong, healthy, relational support system outside the marriage will be helpful to the injured spouse in transitioning to this next phase.  Finally, a declaration by the injured party of a willingness to own at least part of the problems in the marriage prior to the affair, is indicative that a transition to examine the underlying factors behind the affair.

The therapist may want to hasten this process if it becomes apparent the offending spouse is carrying excessive resentment toward the partner because of deficits in the marriage that contributed to the offender's vulnerability.  This is especially true if the resentment is blocking the offender from fully entering into the healing process so much needed by the injured partner.  Similarly, if the offending party is ambivalent about continuing in the marriage, he or she may gain some hope by the prospect of examining the marriage and witnessing the partner as also contrite and willing to change.  An additional consideration could be the experience of the offending party with affairs in his or her first family.  A husband once reported that his father had an affair, and clearly spent the rest of his marriage paying it.  This husband feared the same for himself.  In such circumstances, advancing to an examination of the marriage is better done sooner than later.

Regarding the couple relationship itself, the first consideration is that the affair has definitely ended, without which it would be most difficult for the injured party to examine the marriage without rancor Another important marker is the establishment of an agreed upon safety plan regarding the practical issues of contact with the outside affair partner, accountability for time and whereabouts, monitoring of electronic devices and STD tests, if warranted.  Other important agreements that must be first attended to are whom to tell and when, and what life changes may be accomplished or at least discussed, such as a change of jobs, a different shift, switching churches, moving to a different town, etc.  If the couple has resumed sexual relations, this is a hopeful but not essential milestone to move on to the next phase of therapy.  Similarly, it the couple reports times of enjoyable connection, with brief "holidays" from the disruption of the affair, this good will may be parlayed into more production conversation about the marriage.

Stephen,

     I thoroughly appreciated your post. Your mind went to specific physical markers that mine did not. I think your awareness of assessing for sleep, eating, and completing basic tasks is pretty crucial. In your second paragraph you mentioned potentially hastening the process due to bitterness from the wounding partner due to defects in the marriage. Man, is this one tough to assess. I can see the need for it and I think you’re wise to consider it. I would have some trepidation when walking into this (depending on how long it’s been since treatment began) because I think part of the process is the wounding partner living with the physical consequences of his infidelity. I would wonder if the presence of resentment on the offended partner would be more of a sign that the wound is not healed enough to move on from, rather than using it as a sign to move forward. Either way, great thoughts and it’s definitely something we need to assess regardless of the direction we go from there. 

Quote from christyculbreth on April 21, 2021, 7:38 pm

Quote from Coryrodgers on April 20, 2021, 6:42 pm

It seems challenging to identify one particular “thing” that would allow me the space to move on from the trauma of the infidelity to the underlying factors. My first consideration would be the buy in from the wounded spouse.  From my experience, it’s critical that the pain of the wounded spouse is fully attended to.  One of the ways we do this is by showing them appropriate time.  In my first year of private practice I made the mistake of trying to move too quickly to the “why” and it was evident I ruptured with the wounded spouse.  Although it was repaired she felt I was taking sides, assigning her responsibility to the affair, and had not grasped the pain she in was in. It wasn’t until I went through some personal events in life that I fully grasped the pain the couple was in and recognized the need to work slowly. 

If the wounded spouse has not had adequate time to grieve and come to grips with what was lost the progress cannot be sustained. Along with this comes the patience from the wounding partner to allow the therapist to bridge the gap to attributing reasons, rather than hoping to use the reasons as justifications. Attributing factors and justifications are not synonymous. 

Obviously, this comes with balance.  The therapist must assess for appropriate grief and pain in the wounded partner vs spite and bitterness. Another marker is assessing for the type of anger shown. When rage is present, so is defensiveness. When we are able to express the vulnerability of brokenness, it allows ourselves to look inward be willing to see what patterns or cycles were present prior to the affair. 

My last thought would be to consider the goal of the couple. There is a big difference (initially) when one partner is forced into coming to counseling vs two people who say “we want to work through this.” The prior couple might take more time to be willing to go back to factors contributing to the affair. It’s difficult to achieve collaborative goals and buy in from a couple if they (as a couple or as individuals) have not begun to decide if they are willing to stay in the marriage. This clearly does not have to be set in stone, but without any indication of their goals to try to stay together, moving past the infidelity trauma into the next phase is quite risky in my opinion. 

Cory –

First, I want to thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your mistakes and learnings in your first year of private practice. As a graduate student, these real-life experiences really help me to conceptualize what I am learning each day in class. To echo your vulnerability, I caught my father in an affair when I was a teen. I watched my parents battle this affair for a few months before my mother decided that she could not trust him and that the underlying issues were too large to heal their marriage. I did not engage in their counseling sessions, but your sentiment regarding balance seems reasonable and right on. When the counselor can identify that the grief and anger have subsided enough for the clients to look inward, that seems to be when the true healing happens. I also appreciated you mentioning that the goals of the couple truly matter. I am reminded of Dr. Mike’s chart outlining trust and truth. If the couple is unbalanced in their goals, it may take some serious psychoeducation and subsequent challenging to get the couple to move in the same direction.

Thanks so much!

Quote from agold on April 23, 2021, 5:24 pm

Quote from Coryrodgers on April 20, 2021, 6:42 pm

It seems challenging to identify one particular “thing” that would allow me the space to move on from the trauma of the infidelity to the underlying factors. My first consideration would be the buy in from the wounded spouse.  From my experience, it’s critical that the pain of the wounded spouse is fully attended to.  One of the ways we do this is by showing them appropriate time.  In my first year of private practice I made the mistake of trying to move too quickly to the “why” and it was evident I ruptured with the wounded spouse.  Although it was repaired she felt I was taking sides, assigning her responsibility to the affair, and had not grasped the pain she in was in. It wasn’t until I went through some personal events in life that I fully grasped the pain the couple was in and recognized the need to work slowly. 

If the wounded spouse has not had adequate time to grieve and come to grips with what was lost the progress cannot be sustained. Along with this comes the patience from the wounding partner to allow the therapist to bridge the gap to attributing reasons, rather than hoping to use the reasons as justifications. Attributing factors and justifications are not synonymous. 

Obviously, this comes with balance.  The therapist must assess for appropriate grief and pain in the wounded partner vs spite and bitterness. Another marker is assessing for the type of anger shown. When rage is present, so is defensiveness. When we are able to express the vulnerability of brokenness, it allows ourselves to look inward be willing to see what patterns or cycles were present prior to the affair. 

My last thought would be to consider the goal of the couple. There is a big difference (initially) when one partner is forced into coming to counseling vs two people who say “we want to work through this.” The prior couple might take more time to be willing to go back to factors contributing to the affair. It’s difficult to achieve collaborative goals and buy in from a couple if they (as a couple or as individuals) have not begun to decide if they are willing to stay in the marriage. This clearly does not have to be set in stone, but without any indication of their goals to try to stay together, moving past the infidelity trauma into the next phase is quite risky in my opinion. 

Cory,

Thank you for being willing to share some of the mistakes you made when counseling a couple going through affair recovery. I believe that I would have had a similar experience if not for you sharing a warning of what not to do. I know that for myself, I tend to want to jump in further into the “why” of the affair instead of attending to the here-and-now for the client. The common ground that I keep seeing brought up in both you and Stephen’s posts is this need for assessment. If the therapist jumps into “fix it” mode without completely understanding where either partner is at emotionally, physically, and spiritually then mistakes can be made. I remember when I was doing the first level of the Gottman Method, they explained the dire need for assessment of the couple. They say that the therapist needs to explain to the client the necessity for assessments before they can begin the work because then it puts all parties involved on the same page for what, where, and how they want to proceed in therapy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!!

Quote from creece on April 26, 2021, 3:59 am

Thanks Cory for sharing your experience and ideas for a couple seeking recovery from infidelity. I have a heart for those brave couples that draw on strength and courage to get through a dark time. I appreciate how you illustrated the intricacies of infidelity trauma and how you allowed “adequate time to grieve and come to grips with what was lost the progress cannot be sustained’ and ‘…patience from the wounding partner to allow the therapist to bridge the gap to attributing reasons.” It reminds me of Gottman’s Trust Revival Training where you Atone (take fault, show remorse, allow a purge of emotion), Attune (what can we do differently), and Attach (time to reconnect intimately).  I was surprised when I started my research for training on this subject to see that there were many different approaches, which was and is still confusing. Air High Five, appreciate your post!

Quote from Efergeson on April 28, 2021, 10:22 pm

 

I do believe that there may be individual or couple factors that might play into attending to the underlying factors of the marriage rather than focusing on the acute wound. However, i agree with the information in the lecture that stated we need to view the trauma of the affair like a surgeon would a patient with several wounds. Treat the most severe and life threatening wounds first before we deal with what may be lesser wounds that caused the trauma. We should attend to the trauma until we get the couple to a place of safety and stability so that they could then attend to the underlying factors that may have led to or caused the affair without causing more damage to the marriage system. We need to make sure that both parties are on the same page as far as the story of the affair and the offended spouse is ready to move into the underlying factors. Some of the benchmarks to look for before moving to the underlying factors would be the ability of the offended spouse to discuss the infidelity and the hurt associated with it without outright hostility and anger.  Their ability to deal with day to day living without always resorting back to the infidelity and getting overly angry and emotional. The ability of the wounded spouse to participate in signs of affection, intimate communication, and even sexual intercourse are good benchmarks to look for that the couple is ready to move to the underlying factors of the marriage.

I believe that there are reasons to discuss the underlying factors before treating the acute trauma of the infidelity but I feel like to protect the offended party that those reasons and timing should be controlled by the offended spouse. If that spouse does not want to deal with the story of the affair and would rather focus on healing through attending to the underlying factors then we need to let the clients determine what is important to them and work with them to heal the marriage by meeting any unmet needs that the couple identify. Hopefully during the discussions about the underlying factors the couple will be able to work through the infidelity in a slower and safer manor while still uncovering and managing those underlying issues.

 

Quote from malloryoxendine on April 30, 2021, 4:25 pm

Quote from Stephen Dorsey on April 20, 2021, 1:08 pm

The primary consideration in shifting the focus of therapy to the underlying factors behind the affair, is the emotional state and willingness of the injured party to do so.  There are several benchmarks along the way that indicate such a shift is indicated.  The injured party may report an improvement in day to day functioning: better sleep, a return to normal eating, able to complete necessary tasks, less consumed by thoughts of the betrayal.  An indication of desire to save the marriage is a noteworthy marker, as is an acknowledgement that most important questions about the affair have been answered.  Expressions of appreciation of how hard the spouse has been working to promote healing and restore trust is an excellent milestone.  The presence of a strong, healthy, relational support system outside the marriage will be helpful to the injured spouse in transitioning to this next phase.  Finally, a declaration by the injured party of a willingness to own at least part of the problems in the marriage prior to the affair, is indicative that a transition to examine the underlying factors behind the affair.

The therapist may want to hasten this process if it becomes apparent the offending spouse is carrying excessive resentment toward the partner because of deficits in the marriage that contributed to the offender's vulnerability.  This is especially true if the resentment is blocking the offender from fully entering into the healing process so much needed by the injured partner.  Similarly, if the offending party is ambivalent about continuing in the marriage, he or she may gain some hope by the prospect of examining the marriage and witnessing the partner as also contrite and willing to change.  An additional consideration could be the experience of the offending party with affairs in his or her first family.  A husband once reported that his father had an affair, and clearly spent the rest of his marriage paying it.  This husband feared the same for himself.  In such circumstances, advancing to an examination of the marriage is better done sooner than later.

Regarding the couple relationship itself, the first consideration is that the affair has definitely ended, without which it would be most difficult for the injured party to examine the marriage without rancor Another important marker is the establishment of an agreed upon safety plan regarding the practical issues of contact with the outside affair partner, accountability for time and whereabouts, monitoring of electronic devices and STD tests, if warranted.  Other important agreements that must be first attended to are whom to tell and when, and what life changes may be accomplished or at least discussed, such as a change of jobs, a different shift, switching churches, moving to a different town, etc.  If the couple has resumed sexual relations, this is a hopeful but not essential milestone to move on to the next phase of therapy.  Similarly, it the couple reports times of enjoyable connection, with brief "holidays" from the disruption of the affair, this good will may be parlayed into more production conversation about the marriage.

Stephen,

I appreciate the directness and practicality of your approach in helping couples to recover from infidelity. Relating to the point in your first paragraph, the relational support system outside of the marriage has great impact from what I have seen in my practice. And not only for the injured spouse, but also for the offending spouse. These factors of outside encouragement to address the issues, fight for the marriage, etc. can play a major role in determining the pace and progress of the couple’s recovery.

You brought up many factors that need to be considered and discussed for the couple to recover well, regardless of where they are in the stage of focusing on the affair or the factors that led to it.  I am curious how you would handle a couple who had bypassed the counselor for the agreements phase and moved forward with telling others, sexual connection, and the safety plan for the couple? Meaning a couple that has been attempting to deal with the affair on their own for several months and then come to you as a last resort. How would you backtrack or address those factors when more harm has been caused in an effort to hastily repair the marriage?

Thank you for sharing your perspective on this topic. You presented it in a way that allowed me to expand my thinking and broaden my perspective when working with couples and this issue.

 

Quote from coriander39 on April 30, 2021, 8:59 pm

In the work I have done with infidelity so far, I have found it be a very complex issue to address. In these cases, I do start with treating the trauma because that is the gaping wound that has walked into my office and the betrayed spouse cannot focus on those other factors sufficiently to address them at that time. However, I do end up attending to the underlying factors to some extent throughout the process with most couples. It’s not unusual for a wounded spouse early in the process, in an attempt to understand the why and how of the infidelity, to consider the health of the relationship leading into the infidelity and often to attach blame to themselves. In those cases, I must have a frank conversation with them about how they are not responsible for their spouse’s decision, but it will likely be helpful to identify and address factors that contributed to their spouse being vulnerable to an affair. Often times when working on communication and conflict resolution skills or setting up healthy boundaries in the relationship, we are beginning to address those underlying factors although the goal is actually to assist in processing and developing stability. I do ultimately shift more to a focus on underlying factors when the couple appears to be more stable. I gauge their stability by how they handle themselves between sessions. I am looking to see if they are applying communication and conflict resolution skills in their day-to-day lives. I am checking to see if they are opening up with one another about their fears and woundedness, so their ability to be vulnerable and their ability to accept and validate their spouse’s difficult feelings. I am making sure that the wounded spouse is applying healthy coping skills to address intrusive thoughts and anxiety and that they are seeing relief in those areas. I will then move slowly into processing underlying factors with them. Often times, then topic has already come up previously so it is not a new concept. I will continue to check in with clients and revert back to treating the trauma if it appears the couple is unable to handle that processing at this time. If it typically the wounded spouse that will put on the brakes (I let the wounded spouse know that they may not feel ready to address those topics prior to making the shift and let both partners know that they are able to put the brakes on or that we can deal with more pressing topics that come up if necessary).