Quote from alisonemilybarnard@gmail.com on May 1, 2021, 2:43 am

In general, I agree with the position shared in the lecture that the immediate wound needs to be healed before the underlying factors that led to the affair can be addressed. In order to truly address the underlying factors, there needs to be a felt sense of safety for the couple. Before they can tackle the issues that led to the affair they need to be able to have a conversation without emotional reactivity or blaming. Most of this work happens as you help the couple build tolerance for their emotions, and encourage them to hold that emotional space with each other without causing harm to their partner. This process happens slowly and with humility.

 

In some cases, I have had a couple come in where the trauma of the infidelity happened far enough in the past where the couple did not feel like there was urgency in dealing with the wound of the infidelity. In those cases, I noticed that in order to align with the goals of the clients I needed to go into the underlying issues and other factors that contributed to the affair in the beginning of treatment. In most (not all) of those cases, I found that we ended up at the trauma wound of the infidelity anyway as the couple worked on building emotional trust and safety in the relationship. Also, as we explored the issues in the marriage, most of the time the issues they are currently facing are not always very different from the issues that led to the initial affair.

 

Most of the time, when I work with infidelity, I like to make sure the betrayed spouse knows the highlights (not the graphic details) of the betrayal so that an informed decision can be made about the future of the relationship. Forgiveness is more appropriately given when that spouse knows what they are forgiving. From there we move into setting boundaries and creating safety. Then we start to grieve the loss of the relationship, as they knew it because it will certainly change. Here is where we build the tolerance for the other’s emotions while rebuilding a sense of trust in the relationship. Leaning into the grief and pain of the experience without becoming defensive is my first sign that we might be getting closer to processing the underlying issues. Once there is the commitment and emotional stability, and depending on the community support for the couple, we might dive into the factors that led to the divorce.

Quote from Crista Newman on May 2, 2021, 6:39 pm

Quote from Stephen Dorsey on April 20, 2021, 1:08 pm

The primary consideration in shifting the focus of therapy to the underlying factors behind the affair, is the emotional state and willingness of the injured party to do so.  There are several benchmarks along the way that indicate such a shift is indicated.  The injured party may report an improvement in day to day functioning: better sleep, a return to normal eating, able to complete necessary tasks, less consumed by thoughts of the betrayal.  An indication of desire to save the marriage is a noteworthy marker, as is an acknowledgement that most important questions about the affair have been answered.  Expressions of appreciation of how hard the spouse has been working to promote healing and restore trust is an excellent milestone.  The presence of a strong, healthy, relational support system outside the marriage will be helpful to the injured spouse in transitioning to this next phase.  Finally, a declaration by the injured party of a willingness to own at least part of the problems in the marriage prior to the affair, is indicative that a transition to examine the underlying factors behind the affair.

The therapist may want to hasten this process if it becomes apparent the offending spouse is carrying excessive resentment toward the partner because of deficits in the marriage that contributed to the offender's vulnerability.  This is especially true if the resentment is blocking the offender from fully entering into the healing process so much needed by the injured partner.  Similarly, if the offending party is ambivalent about continuing in the marriage, he or she may gain some hope by the prospect of examining the marriage and witnessing the partner as also contrite and willing to change.  An additional consideration could be the experience of the offending party with affairs in his or her first family.  A husband once reported that his father had an affair, and clearly spent the rest of his marriage paying it.  This husband feared the same for himself.  In such circumstances, advancing to an examination of the marriage is better done sooner than later.

Regarding the couple relationship itself, the first consideration is that the affair has definitely ended, without which it would be most difficult for the injured party to examine the marriage without rancor Another important marker is the establishment of an agreed upon safety plan regarding the practical issues of contact with the outside affair partner, accountability for time and whereabouts, monitoring of electronic devices and STD tests, if warranted.  Other important agreements that must be first attended to are whom to tell and when, and what life changes may be accomplished or at least discussed, such as a change of jobs, a different shift, switching churches, moving to a different town, etc.  If the couple has resumed sexual relations, this is a hopeful but not essential milestone to move on to the next phase of therapy.  Similarly, it the couple reports times of enjoyable connection, with brief "holidays" from the disruption of the affair, this good will may be parlayed into more production conversation about the marriage.

Hi Stephen,

I thoroughly enjoyed the detail with which you explained how you approach the shift to core issues with couples who have perpetrated and suffered from the trauma of betrayal. I was thrilled to read that you consider the state of the offended spouse and attempt to gauge readiness from the level of resiliency that has been cultivated. As a clinician working with sex addiction and the subsequent trauma of these serial betrayals for the spouse, I have seen far too many clergy and clinicians fail to fully validate the devastation of the betrayal. Instead of providing the spouse with emotional "triage care," oftentimes, the spouse is told that their trauma responses are pathological and they are "just as ill" as the offending spouse. You can imagine the devastation through further traumatization that this brings to an already defeated spouse. So glad to have clinicians in the field who are careful not to make an already terrible situation for a betrayed spouse even worse by shifting prematurely!!

 

Crista

Quote from courtneyrhanks@gmail.com on May 7, 2021, 2:18 am

When working with couples for affair recovery it would usually be appropriate to first focus on the trauma of the affair. However, in some cases it might be appropriate to simultaneously treat underlining factors that may have contributed to the affair. For example, if the spouse who had the affair is bipolar, it may be necessary to assess if he or she is in a manic state. It would be important to work on stabilizing the mania before the offending spouse may be capable of productive couples therapy. Furthermore, it would also be appropriate to postpone the trauma aspect of therapy if one or both spouses was currently experiencing abuse that threatened the safety or wellbeing of one or both of your clients. Another potential reason for defer the trauma aspect of affair work would be if the offended party blames him/herself for the affair. In these particular cases it might be helpful to first focus on roles and responsibilities as well as provide psychoeducation before moving into grief work. Lastly, if the offending party of the affair suffered from a sexual addiction it could be appropriate to first prioritize specialized treatment before doing couples work.